I wish I wasn't about to write this post. Honestly, I do, but it is weighing too heavy on my heart not to.
Recently, I was hurt very badly by a group of friends. Actually, it was the worst I have ever been hurt by a group of friends. Here is the reason why.
Ever since I was little girl I have had a hard time making friends. I really don't know why, but I do know I grew up befriending dogs and plants much easier than people. The adults would keep me company while the children my age would be out in the field playing soccer or running races. I sat and listened to theology and mothers chatter away about laundry and such. I would help in the kitchen in any way I could. Most of my time I would spend alone...listening to music, reading poetry, or star gazing. I did have a couple childhood friends, but those ended in heartbreak. As we grew, we began to head different ways, jealousy taking root and causing a rift. Time and time again I was left alone.
Before I go on, my family have been my closest companions through most of my years. My father, my mother, my sisters, and my brother - they know me. Family though, they love in a different way than friends. By blood they understand who you are. You are close to them in the most beautiful way possible. There is nothing that can erase the ties that you have with your family, but friends? Those ties can be erased in seconds. Friendship can be erased by glances, by ignorance, by a word spoken.
Back to my story. I am not going to go into much detail, as that would be embarrassing and mean for the party involved. Let's just say there was a big event...one that I was very excited for. One that I had picked out luxurious gifts for. One that I had spent time thinking about and planning for. The morning of I found out about a certain gathering, that I had not been invited to. My heart was crushed a little and a few tears were shed, but I tried my very hardest not to be alarmed by it, and just to continue to prepare for the big event. I dressed in my new dress and curled my hair, readied my babies, and watched as my husband fixed his bow tie in place. As I walked in and sat down next to my husband. I began to look around. My heart sank like a Jane Austen novel. I had not been included in the plan that my friends had made. Sitting there, my eyes welled up with tears. They should have been happy tears, but the opposite was happening. I was not jealous, a little angry, and mostly sad. The entire night proceeded to be against me as I ripped my dress, and continued to be excluded in many ways from the group. I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and as we were leaving one of my favorite songs began to play. It had been one of the worst nights of my life.
If it had not been for my sweet husband, I don't think anything could have cheered me up. He is my truest friend. He has been bearing this load with me. We are both saddened by the hurting that is happening in my heart.
I think that having friends is important. I believe that with all my heart, but i also believe it is wrong to exclude people from your friend group. The worst part of it all is I think some of them didn't think of me. Maybe they considered me MIA, buried deep beneath breastmilk and baby diapers. It is quite possible I was forgotten as a women and passed off as a mother. I have a soul though. Mothers need nurturing. I need coffee dates with friends...all friends. I will spend time with you whether you are my mother-in-law or a middle schooler. Everyone needs to be appreciated and listened to. Everyone wants to feel cared about. There isn't a soul out there who wants to be ignored or forgotten. I would like you all to remember that.
And to those who have hurt me badly. I forgive you. I would just ask that you don't string me on, and make me feel like a charity case.
But I forgive you. I want you to know that.
Sincerely with love,